Bill-story discussions [private]
or fire. fire is good.
and broken bones.
broken fire bones.
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
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Sure. Lol. I don't know we'll figure it out.
(crossing out everything we've done already.)
Episode begins with an establishing shot of Gravity Falls, late at night. A blue pulsing light glows. Then, a shot of the vending machine inside the Shack, which is also periodically back-lit by the pulsing blue light. Cut to Stan Pines in the underground laboratory beneath the Shack, working on the universe portal. Stan pulls a lever, and green fluid pumps into large, glass tanks.
Stan Pines Come on, come on. Should be just enough to finish the job. (Removes his fez and glove, and without knowing, wipes toxic waste on his forehead, which sizzles and briefly glows green) Whew. Can't be too careful with this stuff.
Red lights flash and a buzzer goes off. Stan smiles and turns to look at screen. The screen reads "EVENT INITIALIZED" and an eighteen hour countdown begins.
Stan (Reading from Journal 1:) "Warning," blah blah blah, "Extreme usage could result in minor gravity anomalies." Can it, Poindexter! (Slams journal shut) I've come this far. I'm not givin' up now! (Pushes a button, and the portal begins to spin) Yes, this is it.
Stan's fez floats off of his head. Outside the Shack, rocks float off the ground, along with Gompers the goat. A boat lifts out of the lake. In the scrapyard, broken-down cars and junk lift off the ground, and inside McGucket's makeshift shack, a blue light blinks, illuminating the sleeping and floating McGucket and the functioning laptop which now reads "ACTIVE" under an image of the portal. Back in the Shack, Dipper and Mabel, as well as Waddles, float off their beds, but sleep undisturbed. There is a resounding "thunk" as everything in town touches back down to the ground.
Stan It's gonna be a bumpy ride, but it'll all be worth it. (Synchronizes what looks like a large wristwatch with the steadily ticking countdown, still displayed on the monitor) Just eighteen more hours. Finally, everything changes. Today.
A draft blows the journal shut.
Cut to shortened theme song. Cut to Mabel, running down the halls, followed by a tired Dipper.
Mabel Pines (Running down hall) Ahh! It's here it's here it's here!
Dipper Pines (Sighs)
Mabel (To Dipper:) Okay, so I was just opening random doors - because I'm a creep - when I found something amazing!
Dipper (While rubbing his eyes) If it was worth waking up at seven AM for, that will be amazing.
Mabel Feast your eyes! (Opening door to reveal closet filled with various types of fireworks in a box labeled "DO NOT TOUCH!")
Dipper Whoa!
Mabel (Puts hand on Dipper's shoulder) Bro. Bro. We're both thinking it.
Dipper and Mabel Crazy rooftop fireworks party!
Stan (Marches up to them) Not so fast, kids! There is no way on earth you're setting off those dangerous, illegal fireworks... (Smiles and bends down to put his arms around their shoulders) ...without me.
Cut to roof. Dipper is grabbing a icy-pop from the cooler. Mabel is standing excitedly next to Stan, who is sitting on the lounge chair with a lit sparkler and Roman candle.
Stan Here you go, sweetie. (Lights Mabel's skyrocket with a sparkler) Set something on fire for your Grunkle Stan.
Mabel (Aiming the skyrocket; Screaming:) I AM THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION! (Skyrocket shoots off)
Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland approach the Mystery Shack as the fireworks go off.
Blubs Hold on a minute. Do you have a permit for those?
Dipper Uh...
Stan Uh, do you have a permit for being totally lame? (He and the twins laugh)
Mabel Heyoooo!
Blubs (Chuckles) Well, I can't argue with that. (Walking away and waving) Carry on.
Stan (Laughs) But seriously though we should probably clean this mess up.
Pans out to a full view of the Mystery Shack; there are many small fires around and on it. The rope holding up the flags snaps.
Mabel With water balloons?
Stan I don't see why not.
Cut to Stan sitting outside on the couch drinking a Pitt Cola, and Dipper running away from Mabel, who is throwing water balloons at him.
Dipper (Laughs as he runs. Throws water balloon which goes about a foot before falling onto the ground) Seriously?
Mabel (Hits him with a water balloon, knocking him back. Runs by, screaming in a tribal-like fashion)
Stan Ah. This is what Saturdays are for. Doing dumb things forever.
Dipper and Mabel (As they jump onto the pile of water balloons) DUMB THINGS FOREVER! (Land on the water balloons which all pop into a big burst of water)
Stan (As a splash of water comes at him:) Whoa, there! (Laughs)
Mabel (Holding up an icy-pop) To Grunkle Stan! Not just a great uncle...
Dipper The greatest uncle! (He and Mabel throw water balloons at Stan)
Stan (Laughs) Alright, alright. I tell you it's unnatural for siblings to get along as well as you do.
Mabel (Waves hand dismissively) Ha-ha! Don't worry. We've still got plenty of summer left (Attacking Dipper in a hug) to drive each other crazy!
Dipper (Pushes Mabel away with a water balloon, which falls on her face)
Stan (Laughs nervously and frowns) Yeah, plenty of summer left. (Rubbing the back of his head nervously as Dipper and Mabel approach him) Kids, there's something I, uh, something I should tell you. It's um (Scratches chin) Well it's complicated. I... I'm gonna go refresh my soda. (Walks away. Cut to him walking alone behind the bushes) Enjoy it while you can, Stan. They'll find out sooner or later. Today's the day.
A glowing red dot appears on Stan's fez.
Stan What is that, a ladybug? (Slaps it)
More red dots target Stan.
Stan What the--? Oh no!
A masked agent pins Stan down. Agent Trigger approaches.
Agent Trigger (Into walkie-talkie:) Target secure! Take the house!
Several helicopters fly above the Shack. Cut to a conufused Dipper and Mabel, surrounded by a handful of agents.
Mabel What the--?
Dipper (Gasps)
Agent (Into walkie-talkie:) Kids are secure. Roof team! Go!
Several agents rappel out of a helicopter. Cut to the Mystery Shack attic, where agents crash in and cock their weapons.
Agent 2 Clear!
Another couple agents rush through the gift shop, wielding a bat. Another crashes through a window, using a rope.
Agent 3 Clear!
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
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Yet another agent breaks through Dipper and Mabel's window. Waddles is seen standing in confusion. He squeals when the agent tackles him.
Agent 4 Pig secure! We have secured a pig!
The agents wrap yellow police caution-tape around the Shack. Several police cars are parked outside. An agent leads a struggling Stan in handcuffs.
Stan (Being led to the government vehicle) Ugh! Hey, hands off, you stooge!
Agent (Plants Stan's face on the trunk of the police car)
Stan Aah! I don't understand! What did I do that warrants this much arresting?
Dipper, Mabel and Agent Powers and Agent Trigger walk up.
Dipper The government guys? I thought you got eaten by zombies!
Trigger We survived. Barely.
Agent Powers I used Trigger as a human shield. He cried like a baby. (Walks over)
Trigger What? Hey! Not in front of the special-ops guys!
Powers (Holds up digital tablet) This is security footage of a government waste facility. (Pan in on screen where footage of a person in a radiation suit stealing barrels is shown as Powers continues to talk) At o'four hundred hours last night someone robbed three hundred gallons of dangerous waste.
Stan What? You think that's me?
Powers Don't play dumb with us, Pines.
Stan But I actually am dumb! (As he is led away by an agent) Last night I was stocking the gift shop. I swear!
Mabel Wait! Grunkle Stan! You've got the wrong guy! Our Grunkle Stan might shoplift the occasional tangerine, but he's not some evil super villain!
Powers (Bending down to get at eye-level with the twins) Listen, kid. We've been watching your family all summer and we've seen some disturbing things. But nothing as dangerous as what your uncle is hiding. Somewhere hidden in this shack is a doomsday device! (To Trigger, handing him the tablet:) Trigger, you take the children. I'll talk to the old man. (To the twins:) Sorry to break it to you kids (Puts on sunglasses) but you don't know your uncle at all. (Walks away)
Trigger snaps his fingers and points at the children. Two agents approach the twins.
Agent 5 (Bends down and takes Mabel's icy-pop, holding an evidence bag) Icy-pop. Clear.
Mabel (Reaching up toward her icy-pop) Hey!
The other agent leads the twins away. Once they are gone the first agent who took Mabel's icy-pop looks to his left to see if the coast is clear and then licks the icy-pop. Mabel and Dipper are led into a police car, and the door is shut behind them. Looking out the window they can see Stan in a government vehicle.
Stan (Looks at them and taps on the window with his cuffed hands) Kids, you gotta believe me! For once I'm actually innocent! (As the car drives off) Kids!
Wendy Corduroy (Walking towards the Mystery Shack; In a sing-song voice:) Headin' into work. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doooo.
Agent 6 Ground team! Move, move, move!
Agent 7 Break down the door!
Two agents break down door to the Mystery Shack and a helicopter flies over the Shack.
Wendy (Turns around and starts walking away) Or maybe not.
Cut to the Gravity Falls police station, Stan getting his mug shots taken, his prints taken, and then Stan sitting in front of a bulletin board with various pictures attached to strings that all meet up to a picture of him.
Powers Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?
Stan Uh, guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um, can I have my phone call?
Cut to shot of a fast food restaurant called "Yumberjacks," where Soos is at the drive-thru.
Soos Ramirez Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.
Stan (Through walkie-talky:) Soos!
Soos Mr. Pines? (Touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker) Is this some sort of... possession situation?
Stan (Through walkie-talky:) Just pick up!
Soos (Picks up walkie-talky) Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.
Stan (Through walkie-talky:) Listen, I need something from you. You know that vending machine in the gift shop? I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine. (Walky-talky makes whining sound as Stan cuts out)
Soos Time for a repair guy (Adjusts hat) to become a repair man.
Drive-thru employee (Sticks arm out to hand Soos his kid's meal) Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?
Soos Just put one in my mouth. (Employee opens box, removes a fry, and places it in Soos' mouth. Soos makes munching noises as he chews) Let's do this. (Tires screech, Soos drives wildly through a hedge)
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
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Cut to Dipper and Mabel in the car with Trigger. Powers speaks through a video link at the front of the vehicle.
Powers We've got Mr. Pines in custody. Our men are searching the shack for the device. You take care of those kids.
Mabel (Gasps) What're you gonna do to us?
Trigger We'll be taking you to child services.
Mabel Boo!
Trigger In the meantime, (Presses buttons) enjoy some mindless reality TV, designed to pacify you and make you stop asking questions.
Cut to television screen. A surgeon in scrubs stands over a patient laying on a stretcher.
Surgeon I'm about to make the incision...
Justin KER-PRANK! (Jumps out of a potted plant, surgeon screams, screen reads "KER-PRANK'D in large font)
TV Announcer You're watching "KER-PRANK'D" with Justin Kerprank!
Cut back to the twins.
Mabel Dipper, this is crazy. There's no way Stan was stealing hazardous waste! We gotta clear his name!
Dipper (Thinks, then spots the camera at the front of the car) Hmm...wait a minute, the security tapes! Didn't Stan say he was restocking the gift shop last night? If we could get the Mystery Shack surveillance tapes, we could prove he's innocent!
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
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just realized that whenever i copy things on my phone it goes up to the top. shoot. lemme fix crap.
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
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okay. Fillerfiller
Need more. No transcript
i'm getting to that, transcript is being a bully... TT-TT

Mabel We just need to think of a way out of here. Think, Mabel... (Looking out car window) Think.
Their vehicle comes up beside a logging truck driven by Manly Dan.
Mabel (Notices a Sev'ral Timez bumper sticker on the back and knocks on the window to get Dan's attention, writing on the foggy car window:) SEVRAL TIMEZ IS OVERRATED
Manly Dan (Gasps) NOOOOO! (Veers the logging truck into the government vehicle, which goes into a spin and falls off the road into the forest)
Trigger Mayday! Mayday! Agent down! (All scream, and the car crashes into the trees. Trigger gets stuck between the car and a tree branch, and struggles to get free) Darn branch!
Mabel Haha, yes! (Opens the door, Dipper and Mabel leave the car)
Trigger Backup! Requesting backup! Ah!
Dipper (Pulls the earpiece out of Trigger's ear and crushes it on the ground)
Mabel Come on, Dipper. We're gonna go clear our uncle's name.
Trigger Oh, you poor kids. You really think your uncle's innocent? I've seen it all before. (Mabel walks away, but Dipper pauses to listen) False names, double lives, one minute they're playing with water balloons, the next they're building doomsday devices. Your uncle scammed the whole world. You gonna let him scam you, too?
Dipper You (hesitates) you don't know what you're talking about. (Walks away)
Trigger You're gonna regret this!! (Airbag inflates, Trigger cries out, the car's horn beeps)
Cut to Dipper and Mabel hiding on the side of the road. Two government vehicles pass by, and as they do, Dipper and Mabel disappear from the roadside. The camera angle changes to show them hiding in the trunk of the rear car, and an arrow-shaped sign pointing in the direction they're headed that reads "MYSTERY SHACK". Cut to a view of the countdown, which now reads roughly five hours. Cut to Stan in the interrogation room, checking his wristwatch device.
Stan Only five more hours till it happens. I gotta be there! Come on, Stan, you gotta think of a way outta this. (Pounding head on table) Think! Think!
Suddenly the device blinks, reading "ANOMALY IN PROGRESS." The coffee on the table floats out of its cup, along with the cup itself and various items, then crashes back down.
Stan They're getting stronger. Of course, that's it!
Cut to the center of town, where many cars, objects, and people float off the ground and then fall back suddenly.
Tyler Cutebiker (To Lazy Susan:) Is it just me, or did the entire world just hiccup?
Lazy Susan I'm sure it's just a baby-sized earthquake.
Tyler Aww, baby-sized!
Cut to view of the laptop, which shows the countdown that Stan initiated. McGucket is in his shack, packing a bag.
McGucket It's happening! The End Times! When that machine activates... I gotta get outta town! (Shoving a raccoon into a bag) Get in there, raccoon wife! Git! (Runs off while a helicopter flies past overhead)
Cut to overhead view of the Mystery Shack, surrounded by agents. Dipper and Mabel are hiding in a bush near the Shack.
Mabel Alright, here's the plan. I'll take out those two guard guys, you karate chop the other dude in the neck and then we'll back flip through the front door!
Dipper Mabel, aren't you forgetting the simpler solution?
Mabel Oh, right.
Cut to two agents looking at the Rock that looks like a face rock.
Agent So is it a rock, or is it a face?
Agent 2 I think, it's... a metaphor.
As they ponder, Mabel's grappling hook shoots overhead through the Shack's (now broken) window. Dipper & Mabel slide along the rope into the Shack. They dash down the stairs, avoiding detection from the agents inside the Shack, and head into Stan's office, locking the door behind them. Then they fist bump.
Dipper Alright. If I was Stan, where would I hide those surveillance tapes? (Looks on the bookshelf and in a filing cabinet)
Mabel (Seeing a bolt on the Jackalope head mounted on wall) Wait! The antelabbit!
Dipper Don't you mean "jackalope?"
Mabel Pfft, that can't be right. (Fixes the jackalope's bent antler, and the wall turns open to reveal two old-looking TV monitors and a tape player)
Dipper and Mabel Yes!
Mabel (Points to a tape halfway in the player) It's this week, this is it! (Pushes it in)
Cut to tape of Wendy, Soos, and Mabel in the Mystery Shack's gift shop, where Soos is doing the worm dance.
Mabel & Wendy (On tape:) Go! Go! Go! Go!
Mabel (To Dipper:) Someone yelled "Wormy Dance." We had to! Fast-forward.
(Tape fast-forwards through several hours)
Dipper Ha! There it is! Stan restocking like he said! And the date shows it was last night! It's proof! He's innocent!
On the tape, Stan sneaks out of the shop at around 7PM.
Dipper (Fast forwards through till 8PM, seeing that Stan has not returned) ...Uhh-oh.
Mabel Uh, maybe he's just going to the bathroom outdoors. The way nature intended!
Cut back to surveillance tape. At 5AM, a figure in a haz-mat suit is wheeling barrels of radioactive waste into the gift shop.
Dipper Oh no, Stan, you didn't...
Mabel Don't panic. That could be anyone in that suit!
Stan (On the tape, drops a barrel on his foot) Gah! Hot Belgian waffles! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real! (Takes a deep breath) SON OF A--
Dipper (Shuts off the tape as Mabel covers her ears) That's him, alright.
Mabel Okay, okay, so maybe Grunkle Stan stole some toxic waste. That doesn't mean he's leading a nefarious double life!
Dipper (Pulls a box from under the TV screen) Mabel, I'm not so sure about that... (Takes a lamp from the desk and turns it on, revealing a box full of passports and IDs)
Mabel (She and Dipper looking through the box) What? What is all this? (Reading from one of the IDs:) "Stetson Pinefield?"
Dipper (Reading from IDs:) "Hal Forrester?" "Andrew '8-Ball' Alcatraz?" These are fake IDs, Mabel! You wouldn't need these unless you were trying to hide your real identity!
Mabel But why would Stan do that? (Picks a newspaper clipping out of the box, whose headline reads "STAN PINES DEAD." She passes the clipping to Dipper)
Dipper WHAT?! "Stan Pines Dead?"
Mabel (Reading from article clipping:) "Foul play suspected in Pines' death." Fiery car crash, brakes who?!
Dipper (Picks out another clipping that shows a picture of Stan) "Unnamed grifter at large?" Why would they call him unnamed? Unless Stan...
Mabel Isn't...
Dipper and Mabel Stan?! (Look up at the portrait of Stan on the wall behind them)
Cut to countdown clock, now reading under sixteen minutes.
Dipper (Pacing) Stan Pines is dead?! Then who have we been living with? It doesn't make any sense!
Mabel There has to be some explanation. Maybe we're getting Ker-Prank'd! Justin Kerprank is gonna jump up from behind one of these plants (Turns to look at potted plant) any minute now! (After a brief pause she scoots forward and looks into the potted plant) ...Any minute, Justin.
Dipper I can't believe it. This whole summer I've been looking for answers and the biggest mystery was right under our nose.
Mabel (Digs through clippings) Ugh, there's gotta be some kind of explanation in here somewhere. What the... "secret code to hideout?"
Dipper Let me see that. (Takes out Journal 3 and a portable black light) "A1, B, C3"... I've never seen a code like this.
Mabel Wait! I have! Dipper, it's the vending machine!
Cut to Stan checking the wristwatch device, which reads about thirteen minutes now.
Powers (Enters interrogation room with two other agents) Alright, Pines. Playtime is over. Chopper's ready to dust off to Washington. I'll enjoy putting you away.
Stan What? Um, can't we stick around for maybe one minute? Uh, one minute thirty seconds?
Powers We're not falling for your games, Pines. You've been running your whole life. Your time is finally up.
Stan (Looks at a clock on the wall) Bathroom break? Just give me... fifteen seconds!
Powers (As he unlocks Stan's handcuffs) Sorry, but you've got a flight to catch.
Stan (Watch begins to beep) Oh, yeah? So do you.
Powers Huh?
Everything floats up from the floor. Stan kicks the table into the agents. Cut to outside the police station, where everything is losing its grip on the world. Cut back to Stan in the station.
Powers Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Aah!
Stan hits Powers with the back of his chair, turns over, thrusts away from the wall, catches the cuff key in his hands and un-cuffs himself.
Powers Hey! Dang it, get back here! Men, get him!
Stan kicks one of the agents in the chest, catches his wallet and hops from agent to agent out of the room.
Powers No! You won't get away with this!
Stan slams the door in Powers' face, locking it behind him. His watch beeps and gravity is working again. Behind Stan, Durland falls out of a room next door, followed by a blindfolded Blubs, swinging a bat at a piñata.
Blubs Gon' getcha, gon' getcha!
The agents in the interrogation room slide to the floor with a squeaking sound.
Powers Ow!
Outside, everything hits the ground again, and Stan runs out of the station to a taxi.
Stan (Panting; To taxi driver:) Do you know where the Mystery Shack is?
Taxi Driver Uh, yeah?
Stan Okay. Here's a hundred bucks. Drive as far away from the Shack as possible, and don't stop when the cops start chasing you!
(The driver shrugs and speeds away, while Stan hides behind a wrecked car as the agents come out of the station.)
Powers He's getting away! (Sees taxi) Obviously, follow that cab!
Cut to Shack exterior. Trigger drives up to order the other agents.
Trigger Stanford escaped! He's at large! We need to sweep the town! (As agents disperse from the Shack) Move! Move! Move!
Soos (Sneaks in to guard the vending machine) Alright Soos, remember the plan. Protect the machine, earn Stan's trust, legally get adopted by Stan, change name to Stan Junior.
Dipper Soos?
Soos Ahh! Oh, kids! Where've you been?
Dipper What are you doing here?
Soos Stan gave me a mission to protect this machine! Ha! And I thought I loved snacks.
Dipper Soos, listen. Something huge is going on here. If Stan is hiding some dangerous secret, we need to find out what it is! I need you to step aside.
Mabel Yeah, just let us through so we can prove this is all just a big misunderstanding.
Soos Guys, I know this seems crazy, but I promised Stan I would guard this with my life.
Mabel (Dipper nods at her) I'm sorry, Soos. (Blows a handful of glitter directly into Soos' face, getting it in his eyes)
Soos Aah! Attack glitter! It's pretty, but it hurts!
Dipper and Mabel (Jump on Soos) C'mon Soos... c'mon... c'mon... please!
Soos (Holds them back as they try to get past) Aww, c'mon, I don't wanna fight you guys! This hurts me more than it hurts you! (As he is getting kicked in the face by Mabel) Ah! Seriously, it hurts me way more that it hurts you!
Dipper reaches for the number pad and enters the code. All shout as the vending machine swings forward, shoving them to the floor. All cough, then gasp at the secret passage behind the machine.
Soos (Leading the way down the stairs) It's like something from a video game...
Mabel Or a dream...
Dipper ...Or a nightmare.
cut to Soos, Dipper & Mabel heading down in the elevator,
Cut to Soos, Dipper & Mabel entering Stan's lab. All gasp.
Mabel Guys, are we dreaming? Somebody wake me up.
Dipper This can't be real...
Soos I don't understand. Why would Mr. Pines have all this?
Dipper It's just like that bunker in the woods...
Soos But what is it doing underneath the Mystery Shack?
Mabel Okay, okay, so he's got a huge gigantic lab. That doesn't mean anything bad! Everyone's got secrets! (Sees the picture of her and Dipper, picks it up) It's still Stan, and he loves us. And we love him. Right?
Dipper It can't be... it's impossible. The other two journals? All this time... all this time, Stan had them?! I can't believe it! Was anything he said to us real?! (Kicks desk) Why would he have those journals?!
Soos Maybe he's the author.
Dipper Or maybe he stole them from the author! Maybe the reason he has all those fake IDs is because he is a master criminal, and this machine is his master plan! (Opens each journal to the page with the portal on it, lays them accordingly, and turns on his black light. Gasps)
Mabel Whoa.
Dipper (Reading from the journals:) "I was wrong the whole time. The machine was meant to create knowledge but it is too powerful. I was deceived, and now it is too late. The device, if fully operational, could tear our universe apart! It must not fall into the wrong hands. If the clock ever reaches zero, our universe is doomed!" (All look at the countdown clock, now reading one minute, thirty seconds)
Soos It's the final countdown! Just like they always sung about!
Dipper (Flips through journal to a page reading "MANUAL OVERRIDE") The agents were right! We have to shut it down! (All enter the portal room, gasp, ground begins to shake) There! Quick! Turn these, together! (All turn three keys, a device near the center of the room pops open to reveal a large red button) That's it! The shutdown switch! This all stops... now!
Stan DON'T TOUCH THAT BUTTON!! (Standing in the doorway, panting) Dipper, just back away. (Dipper's hand remains suspended inches over the button) Please don't press that shutdown button, you gotta trust me.
Dipper And I should trust you why?! After you stole radioactive waste? After you lied to us all summer?! I don't even know who you are!
Stan Look, I know this all seems nuts, but I need that machine to stay on! If you'd just let me explain-- (Wrist device beeps, ground begins to shake again) Uh-oh, oh, no! Brace yourselves!
They are lifted off the ground and float toward the machine. All over town, things are lifted high off the ground. Gompers "baaa"s. Powers screams as his car flies into the air. Lazy Susan is lifted off her feet in a store. Bud Gleeful grabs onto one of his cars as he and his customers float into the air. The sky darkens and the sun appears red over Gravity Falls.
Computer T minus thirty-five seconds.
Stan (Spinning in mid-air) Wh-whoa-aaaah!
Dipper Aaah! (Hits a wooden support, grabs on)
Mabel Dipper! (Ankle is hooked onto a wire over the stand the button is on)
Dipper Mabel! Hurry! Shut it down!
Mabel (Crawls along the wire toward the button)
Stan No! Mabel, Mabel, wait! Stop! Aah! (Soos knocks him away from Mabel) Soos, what're you doing?! (Hits Soos on the head) I gave you an order!
Soos Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now! Protecting these kids!
Stan Soos, you idiot, let me go!
Dipper (Pushes off from the support beam, hits Stan and Soos) Go! Mabel, press the red button! Shut it down!
Stan No, you can't! (Shoves Dipper away) You gotta trust me!
Mabel Grunkle Stan, (Crying) I don't even know, if you're my grunkle! I wanna believe you, but--
Stan Then listen to me. Remember this morning when I said I wanted to tell you guys something?
Computer T-minus twenty seconds.
All scream as the portal flashes and pushes Dipper, Stan, and Soos against the opposite wall. Mabel prepares to push the button.
Stan I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!
Dipper Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!
Stan Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?
Dipper He's lying! Shut it down NOW!
Stan Mabel, please!
Computer Ten. Nine.
Mabel (Looking away and lowering hand to the button, then looks at Stan) Grunkle Stan...
Computer Six. Five.
Mabel (Lifts hand) I trust you. (Lets go of the stand, floats up)
Computer One.
Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel all disappear in an explosion of light as each of them screams.
Dipper NOOO-!
Stan AAA-!
Soos AAH-!
Mabel AAA-!
A flash of blinding light engulfs all of Gravity Falls. Then, everything comes down to earth. The portal, now a mess of tangled wires and metal, glows bright blue. A figure emerges from the portal. The blue light fades behind him. He walks forward, placing a six-fingered hand on the cover of the first journal, then picks it up and places it into the inside pocket of a long, dark coat.
Dipper What...? Who is that?
Stan The author of the journals...
Ford Pines (Pulls off goggles, revealing his face. He looks nearly identical to Stan)
Stan brother.
Mabel Is this the part where one of us faints?
Soos Ohoho, I am so on it, dude. (Faints)
Cut to credits. Two boys, about Dipper and Mabel's age, sit on a swing set on a beach in front of a sunset. Vigenère ciphered message "THE ORIGINAL MYSTERY TWINS". Cut to end card: a cryptogram showing the portal.
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
[Image: chocolate_by_cuppycakekitty-d9lkljt.png][Image: cat_puns_by_cuppycakekitty-d9kuqy6.png]
lemme just post this here.
Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?!
This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?!
Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi side burn dimension?
Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you DID THIRTY YEARS AGO?!
What I did? Why, you ungrateful... (Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him) Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're... family. (As Ford slams him to the ground)Ah!
Mabel Pines
Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!
Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?
Soos Ramirez
Heh heh. I get that a lot.
They're your family, Poindexter. Shermy's grandkids.
I-I have a niece and nephew? (Shakes Mabel's hand) Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.
Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal!
Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.
Dipper Pines
I-I can't believe it. You're the author of the journals!
You've read my journals?
I haven't just read them; I've lived them! (Walking in circles) I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I (Starts breathing heavily)Oooooohhh I think I'm gonna throw up. (As Mabel comes over) Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out!
Listen, there'll be time for introductions later. But first, tell me, Stan: are there any security breaches? Does anyone else know about this portal?
No, just us. Also maybe the entire U.S. government.
The what?!
Agent Powers
(Seen on security camera; to other agents:) Fan out! We're not going anywhere till we find Stan Pines and those kids!
(Sighs) Okay. It's all right. We've got a while before they find this room. We just need to lay low and think of a plan.
Well, it looks like we're stuck down here for a while. Who wants to tell us their entire mysterious backstory?
Yes, I have some questions about this myself, Stanley.
But your name is Stanford.
Wait, you took my name?! What have you been doing all these years, you knucklehead?!
Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies! You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?
And what happened between you and your brother?
I hope all this aligns exactly with my fanfic, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.
Okay okay okay, I have a lot of explaining to do. It all started... a lifetime ago... nineteen sixty something. Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey. (Cut to a seagull landing on a sign that says "GLASS SHARD BEACH-HOME OF GLASS SHARD WATER TOFFEE" and coughing up a bottlecap) I lived with my ma and pa in the Lead Paint District in the family pawn shop. (Cut to Stan's father sitting down in a chair) Dad was a strict man. Tough as a cinderblock and not easily impressed.
Filbrick Pines
I'm not impressed.
Ma was a pathological liar, which served her well as a phone psychic.
Stans' mother
(To someone on phone:) That'll be 99 cents an hour.... No, you're overpriced.... Yeah, I predicted you were gonna hang up.
(Cut to Ford as a child reading in the top bunk of a bed) And then there was my twin brother, Stanford. As if his abnormally high IQ wasn't enough, he also had a rare birth defect: (Cut to an X-ray of Stanford's hands, with the extra pinkies circled and the word "abnormality" written above) six fingers on each hand. (Cut to Ford drawing in a notebook) Which might have explained his obsession with sci-fi mystery weirdness. (Cut to Stan as a child with a bucket on his head running into a wall) As for me, I had what mom liked to call: personality. (In the flashback, Stan throws the bucket off his head and the twins laugh and run off.) But as different as we were, we were the perfect team. (Cut to the twins walking around in a cave) And every day we'd wander the beach, looking for adventure. (In the flashback:) Whoooaa...
(In the flashback:) A shipwrecked sailboat, possibly haunted by pirate ghosts!
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen! And I've once seen a dead rat floatin' in a bucket!
(Pushes him) Hahaha, ew, what's wrong with you?
Huh, you know what this thing's missin'?

Cut to the twins pushing the boat, which has their shirts hanging off the masts, down the beach. They are both badly sunburned.
Ford and Stan
Kings of New Jersey! Kings of New Jersey! Kings of New Jersey!
(Kneeling in front of the boat which has "STAN O' WAR" painted on its side) I dub thee: the Stan O' War! (Gets hit in the head by a small rock) Ow! What the heck? (Glares at three children standing nearby)
Well, well, if it ain't the loser twins. Nice boat. Ya get it at the dump? Heheheheheheheh! (high fives his two friends)
You would know, Crampelter! Get lost!
Listen, dorks, and listen good. (Pointing at Ford) You're a six-fingered freak, (Pointing at Stan)and you're just a... dumber, sweatier version o' him. And you're lucky you have each other because neither of you will ever make any friends! (Leaves with his friends) Ha, hahahaha! Dorks and losers...
(Looking at his hand)
Hey. Don't let those idiots get to you.
But I am a freak. I just wonder if there's anywhere in the world where weirdos like me fit in.
Hey, chin up, buddy. Look. (He and Ford look at the sea) One of these days, you and me are gonna sail away from this dumb town. We'll hunt for treasure, get all the girls, and be an unstoppable team of adventurers.
You really mean it?
High six?
High six. ("High sixes" him)
(Voice-over from the present:) Those were the good times. Those bullies may have been right about us not making many friends, but when push comes to shove, you only really need one.(In the flashback, Ford is solving a math problem on a chalkboard while Stan draws a monster-caricature of his school mistress. She hits him on the head with a ruler. Cut to the twins a few years later sitting on the boat. Cut to a few years later, when Ford is at a party laughing nervously at an angry girl, who pours her drink on him. Stan walks over and pours his drink on himself.) Ford's brains seemed to get more impressive every year. So did our pet project. (He and Ford are putting a sail on their boat; cut to Stan in class blowing a paper through a straw at a student next to him, then leaning over and copying off of Ford) Sure I got in more than my fair share of trouble, but when your brother's the smartest kid in school, you've always got a leg up on the competition. (Cut to Ford winning a science fair, and then Stan comes over and puts his arm around him) The future was lookin' bright. For both of us. Till one day... (Cut to Stan eating Toffee Peanuts in class while Ford writes something)
(Over PA:) Pines twins to the principal's office. Pines twins to the principal's office.
Ah, great, what is it this time?

Cut Ford and Stan starting to go into the principal's office. A woman at her desk stops them.
(To Stan:) Not you; him.
(Sits in chair) Uh.
(Walks into the office, sees that his parents are there and sits in the chair between them)
Now, Mr. Pines, I'd like to speak with you very frankly if I may.
Very frankly is the only way I speak.
You have two sons: one of them is incredibly gifted, the other one is standing outside of this room and his name's Stanley.
Stans' mother
What are you saying?
I'm saying your son, Stanford, is a GENIUS! All his teachers are going bananas over his science fair experiment! (Gives Ford a pamphlet) Ya ever heard of West Coast Tech? Best College in the country. Their graduates turn science fiction into science FACT! The admissions team is visiting tomorrow to check out Stanford's experiment. Your son may be a future millionare, Mr. Pines.
I'm impressed.
Stans' mother
But what about our little free spirit, Stanley?
That clown? At this rate he'll be lucky to graduate high school. Look, there's a saltwater taffy store on the dock. And somebody's gotta get paid to scrape the barnacles off of it. Stanford's goin' places. But hey, look on the bright side: at least you'll have one son here in New Jersey forever.
(Sits down sadly outside the door; cut to Ford and Stan on the swings) Heh. Joke's on them if they think you wanna go to some stuffy college on the other side of the country. Once we get the Stan O' War complete, it's gonna be beaches, babes, and international treasure hunting for us.
Look, Stan, I can't pass up a chance like this. This school has cutting edge programs and multi-dimensional paradigm theory.
Beep boop. I am a nerd robot. That's you. That's what you sound like.
Heheh. Ah, well, if the college board isn't impressed with my experiment tomorrow, then okay, I'll do the treasure-hunting thing.
And if they are?
(Punches him) Well then, I guess you better come visit me on the other side of the country. Haha. (Walks away)
(Voice-over from the present:) Without Ford I was just half of a dynamic duo. I couldn't make it without him. (Cut to Stan walking through the science experiments at the school at night.) And now, thanks to that dumb college, I was gonna lose my brother forever. (In the flashback, Stan stops at Ford's experiment. In the flashback:) This is all your fault, ya dumb machine!(Punches the table and a piece comes off the machine) Oh no. Oh no no, what did I do? (Puts the piece back on) There. Alright. Good as new. Probably. (Puts the tarp back on and leaves; cut to Ford in front of the tarp the next morning with the college board)
Alright, kid. Show us what ya got.
Okay! Well, what if I told you that the future of technology was beneath this sheet? (Pulls tarp off)
I'd say that we wasted a car trip.
What? (lLoks at machine, which isn't moving) But it was stable yesterday! A fuse must have blown or something.
(Crosses "Stanford Pines" off of a list of names) Kid, a perpetual motion machine has one job: to not stop. I don't think you're West Coast Tech material. (Leads the other college board members away)
No, wait! Don't go! I worked so hard! (Steps on an empty Toffee Peanuts bag, picks it up and growls)
(Cut to their house; he is sitting on a couch playing with a paddleball) One-paddle-paddle-paddle, two-paddle-paddle. Man, that Jackie-O, what a fox. (Ford enters) Hey, what's the word, Sixer?
(Holds up Toffee Peanuts bag) Can you explain what this was doing next to my broken project?!
Ho-okay. I might have accidentally been, horsing around-
This was no accident, Stan; you did this! You did this because you couldn't handle me going to college on my own!
Look, this was a mistake! Although if you think about it, maybe there's a silver lining. Huh? Treasure hunting?
Are you kidding me? Why would I want to do anything with the person who sabotaged my entire future?! (Shoves Stan onto the couch)
(Picks up Stanley by his shirt) You did what, you knucklehead?
Stans' mother
(Comes out of a room with a crying baby) Stanley? What's goin' on in here?
Wait, no, I can explain; it was a mistake!
(Throws Stan outside) You ignoramus! Your brother was gonna be our ticket out of this dump! All you ever do is lie and cheat right on your brother's coattails. Well this time you cost our family potential millions! And until you make us a fortune, you aren't welcome in this household. (Throws a duffel bag at him)
What?! Stanford, tell him he's bein' crazy! (Ford , who was watching out his window, closes his curtains) Stanford? Don't leave me hangin'. High six? (Filbrick slams the door) Fine. I can make it on my own! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I'll make millions and you'll rue the day you turned your back on me! (Gets in his car and drives away; voice-over from the present:) Thanks to one dumb mistake I had no brother, no home, no nothing. But I had a plan to fix everything.

Cut back to the present.
Oh! This story's so sad! I know what you two little broken teacups need: to hug it out! Hug it out! Hug train's comin' in the station. HUGAPOLOOZA! TWO THOUSAND!
Kid, will ya knock that off? I'm tryin' to tell my life story here. (Cut to Stan as a young man with a metal detector on the beach) I had decided I wasn't gonna show my face at home until I made something of myself. Unfortunately, the treasure-hunting business was slow going. Apparently gold was some kind of... rare metal. (In the flashback, Stan sees a billboard advertising the traveling salesman lifestyle and throws his metal detector away) Luckily I struck a different kind of gold.... in sales. (Cut to Stan in a commercial; in commercial:) Hi! I'm Stan Pines of Stan Co. Enterprises. Are sick of this always happening to you? (A pitcher of juice is thrown at him, getting juice all over him) Then you need the Shammy of the future! (Begins to wipe himself off, then the commercial skips ahead to him completely clean) Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham Total! It's a total sham. (Voice-over from the present:) I had made my mark, all right. Unfortunately, so did the Shammies. (Cut to a woman using a Sham Total to clean a robe, but the blue dye from the Shammy leaks onto it.) Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. (Cut to an angry mob) Customers went crazy about that. Fortunately they were using Stan Co. brand pitchforks. (The mob's pitchforks break; Stanley drives by them in his car; in flashback:) SUCKERS! (Voice-over from present:) I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pinington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. (In another commercial:) Hi! I'm Steve Pinington! (Pulls at Band-aid on his arm)Are sick sick of bandages that are hard to remove! Then what you need is the Rip Off! The Rip Off won't give you rashes, I repeat: it won't give you rashes. (The words "IT WON'T GIVE YOU RASHES" appears on the screen; voice-over from present as angry mob with rashes chases Stanley out of Pennsylvania:) It gave ya rashes. (Cut to a map of USA with a line moving around it) I traveled the whole country, sometimes outside of it, always one step ahead of the law, looking for something that would be my big break.

Cut back to the present.
Whoa. So that explains all the fake IDs.
(To Ford:) But, wait, what about you? Did you end up going to your dream school?
Not exactly. (Cut back to the past, on the auditorium of Backupsmore University)
(Standing at podium) Alright, I know Backupsmore wasn't anyone's first choice, but what we lack in prestige, we make up for in mostly bug-free dorms! I'm sure your families are proud, more or less.
(Sitting in the audience, looks at a picture of his family; cut to him studying in his dorm; voice-over from the present:) In a place like that, I had to work twice as hard. Luckily, that's what I do best. I went from undergrad to PhD three years ahead of schedule, wrote a thesis that was nationally ranked, and was awarded an enormous grant for my own scientific research! But what to study. (Cut to Ford looking at his hand, then at a book about anomalies) My whole life I'd been teased for my six fingers. But that got my thinking about anomalies: things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable. And according to my investigations, there was one place with a higher concentration of these things than anywhere else. (Cut to Ford standing in front of a map of USA with dots marked on it, most of which are in Oregon. Ford circles Oregon) A small lumber town in roadkill country, Oregon: Gravity Falls.
(in a flashback, marks Xs on a map of USA titles "STATES I'M BANNED IN"; Voice-over from present:) Meanwhile, your old uncle Stan was doing great. I had come up with a sophisticated new business strategy. (In the flashback, picks up a lottery card and begins scratching some circles off with a coin, in flashback:) Come on, owl... (scratches another owl) owl... (Scratches a football player with an omelet) football player with an omelet!? Gah! (Crumples the card up and throws it against the window; voice-over from present:) I was in great shape, living on my own, and the best part was: I didn't need help from nobody. (Cut to him in the flashback dialing a number at a payphone)
(In flashback, over phone:) Hello? This is Stanford Pines.
(Hangs up phone and sighs)
(Driving into Gravity Falls; voice-over from the present:) I was heading out on my own as well.(Standing in front of the Mystery Shack being constructed) I set to work using my grant money to investigate the strange properties of this town, but what would I find here? (A giant hand grabs his car) Bingo. I began to investigate at once. (Cut to him setting a Journal on a table, tracing his hand, pasting the trace on the Journal, and writing "1" on it) I knew I'd have to record my findings. I began to keep a journal...
(Screams) THE JOURNALS!!!

Cut back to the present. Everyone is staring at Dipper.
Sorry, sorry, (Clears throat) just got excited there... About the journals... Keep-keep talking.
I began to keep a Journal...
Just going to ignore that. There were anomalies everywhere. And the more I looked, the more I saw. (Cut to him as a young man catching Eye-Bats and putting them into a jar, then recording it in his Journal; the Shape Shifter hatches in front of him, then immediately turns into a cup. Stanford writes in his journal about the "floating cliffs". Cut to him and a gnome that looks like Schmebulock; in flashback:) Fascinating, what did you say your name was?
Schmebulock... Senior.
(Writes in in journal 3 and looks at cover; voice-over from present:) It was finally a place where I felt at home, but something nagged at me: where did it all come from? It seemed to me the answer must come from outside of our world, a dimension of weirdness leaking into ours. I realized the only way to understand Gravity Falls would be to build a gateway: a portal to the source of its weirdness. (In the flashback, is drawing the portal map in the journals) But I couldn't make it alone. I decided to call up my old college buddy, Fiddleford McGucket, a young but brilliant mechanic, who was wasting his talent trying to make personal computers in some garage in Palo Alto. (Cut to McGucket's garage full of computers, where he is playing a banjo when the phone rings. He picks it up)
Hello? Fiddleford Computermajigs?.. You say you're tryin' to build a transuniversal polydimensional metavortex? Well that's mathematically feasible! I reckon. (Spits)
(Cut to Ford and McGucket working on the portal, when the power surges) Many long nights were spent perfecting the machine. It would be a crowning achievement of my studies. An answer to the source of this town's anomalies.
Tyler's mother
(To Tyler Cutebiker, who is on a bike:) Git out, git out, git out! (The two hurriedly leave the area)
(He and McGucket carry a dummy to the portal) The time had come to test it. (In flashback:)Ready, and... (They release the dummy, but a rope from it catches McGucket and he flies toward the portal, screaming) What? (Grabs the rope and holds him, back but McGucket's head is in the portal) I got ya, buddy! (pulls the rope and McGucket and the dummy come out of the portal; to McGucket:) What is it? Is it working? What did you see?!
When Gravity Falls and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye.
Fiddleford, get a hold of yourself, you're not making any sense. (Puts his hand on McGucket's shoulder)
(Jerks away) This machine is dangerous. You'll bring about the end of the world with this. Destroy it before it destroys us all!
I can't destroy this; it's my life's work!
I fear we've unleashed a grave danger on the world. One I'd just as soon forget. I quit! (Walks away)
Fine! I'll do it without you! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! (A whispering sound is heard)What? Who said that? (Backs into a wall; voice-over from the present:) I was in over my head, and feared I was losing my sanity. I needed help. Someone I could trust.
(Cut to him in his apartment when he hears knocking. Grabs baseball bat) Just give me a few more days, Rico! I'll pay your goons back, I swear! (A Gravity Falls postcard comes through his mail slot. He looks out and sees the post man leaving. He looks at the postcard which says "PLEASE COME! -FORD. Cut to him walking up to Ford's door) You haven't seen your brother in over ten years. It's okay. He's family. He won't bite. (Knocks)
(Opens door) Who is it?! Have you come to steal my eyes?! (Points crossbow)
Well, I can always count on you for a warm welcome.
Stanley, did anyone follow you? Anyone at all?
Eh, hello to you, too, pal. (As Ford grabs him and pulls him inside) Ah!
(Shines flashlight in Stan's eyes)
(Pushes him away) Ah! Hey! What is this?
Sorry, I just had to make sure you weren't... uh, it's nothing. Come in, come in. (Darts away)
(Following him) Uh, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee.
(Holding Journal 1) Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. (Turns the head of a skeleton away from him)
Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay?
I have something to show you. Something you won't believe.
Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. (Standing in the portal room) There is nothing about this I understand.
It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left. And you are the only person I can trust to take it. (Gives Stan the journal) I have something to ask of you: you remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can! To the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it!
That's it?! You finally wanna see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible!?
Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!
No, no. You don't understand what I've been through! I've been to prison in three different countries! I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems?I've got a mullet, Stanford! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself.
I'm selfish? I'm selfish, Stanley? How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen!
Well, listen to this: you want me to get rid of this book? Fine, I'll get rid of it right now! (Takes out lighter)
No! (Grabs the journal) You don't understand!
(Takes it back) You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it!
My research! (Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him)Stanley, give it back! (Pushes him onto some of the buttons)
You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that!

The portal turns on.
(Trying to pull the journal away from Ford) You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life!
You ruined your own life! (Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams and falls to the floor) Stanley! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Are you alr-

Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever. Stan follows him.
Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE 'EM. (Shoves Ford back into the portal light, and he starts getting sucked into it) Whoa, whoa, hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, Stanford-
Stanley! Stanley, help me!
Oh, no, what do I do?!!
Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! (Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal)

A flash of white engulfs everything. When it fades, Stan is lying on the floor.

Ford's glasses fall onto the floor.
(Runs to the portal) Stanford, come back! I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! (Pounds on the side of the portal)

The portal turns off.
(Runs to the lever and tries to pull it to no avail) I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah, come one! STANFORD! (Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:) I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. (Flips to the back of Journal 1, where it says "continued in journal #2"; cut to Stan laying on the couch with Journal 1 and Ford's glasses at night) I didn't get much sleep that night. (Looks at the glasses) Or the night after that. (Cut to Stan with the lever and a screwdriver) I tried for weeks to turn that dumb machine back on. But without the other two journals (The machine emits a few sparks, then dies) it was hopeless. (Cut to Stan walking down the street) Finally I ran out of food. I had no choice but to go into town.(Walks into the Dusk 2 Dawn; cut to him with a loaf of bread at the cash register)
Just the bread, then, there, stranger? That'll be 99 cents.
(Looks into his pockets and pulls out a packet of sugar, a paper clip and a peso)
Hey, that's no stranger. That must be the mysterious science guy that lives in the woods!

A crowd gathers.
(In flashback:) Uh, n-no, no. You've got the wrong guy. (Pulls his hood tighter)
Toby Determined
I've heard strange stories about that old shack.
Daryl Blubs
Yeah! Mysterious lights and spooky experiments.
Gosh, I'd pay anything to see what kind of shenanigans you get up to in there.
Oh, me too! Do you ever give any tours?
No. Really I- (Looks at hand, then sighs) Yes, I do give tours! Ten... nah-no... fifteen bucks a person!

Crowd cheers and holds up money.
Sir! What did you say your name was, you man of mystery?
Oh, uh, Stanford Pines. (Cut to Stan leading a tour into the house) Step right up, folks, uh, to a world of... enchantment, or whatever. (With a box with a dial and two antennae on it) Behold, the um, nerdy science box.
(Looks at it and it burns her eye) Ah! My eye!
Uh, I can assure you, that is in no way permanent.
I paid fifteen dollars for this!?

Crowd begins muttering.
Uhh... (Grabs the skeleton and some clothing) You're lucky you weren't part of the last tour group, um, (Shows them the skeleton, which he has dressed as a tourist) they never made it out aliiiivve. Heheh. Right?

The crowd laughs.
That's funny.
(Montage of Stan putting up signs, making attractions, selling merchandise. Voice-over from the present:) So I came up with a plan. I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. For once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. Finally I found something I was good at. For once being a liar and a cheat paid off. The old me was dead, and I'd faked a car crash to prove it. By day I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery. But by night I was down in the basement, trying to bring the real Stanford back.(Cut to Stan seeing a tour out, then going into the basement and looking at the portal. Cut back to the present) I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth and sabotaging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids.
So all this time you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.
That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.
(From upstairs:) I heard talking! It was coming from downstairs!
Oh no, it's too late, the agents are comin' for us!
What do we do?!
Aw, man. I was so spellbound by your dramatic tale I forgot all about those dudes.
Wait, forget. That's it! I think I know a way we might be able to defeat those agents! (Takes aMemory erasing gun out of a bag and gives it to Stanford)
Of course! I don't know how you got a hold of one of these but, this is perfect! If I can just amplify the signal to a radio headset frequency... (Plugs some wires into the gun and looks through some viewing glasses to see the agents running into the shack) There. Now everyone PLUG YOUR EARS! GET DOWN! NOW!

Everyone crouches and plugs their ears. Cut to Agent Powers and Trigger at the doorway.
Agent Trigger
Sir! Looks like there's a hidden door behind the vending machine!
Excellent! Get me Washington on Line 1! I've been practicing sounds of excitement for this very occasion. Hey, do you hear that?

A wave pulses through the shack and yard.
What? Where am I? Why am I standing in front of some sort of goofy fun knick-knack house?
(Comes to the porch) Stand down, gentlemen! I've been sent with the latest intel from Washington. (flipping through some of Mabel's drawings) According to this very real report, the power surges in Gravity Falls were actually due to radiation from an unreported meteor shower. A total embarrassment for your whole department. Luckily I'm here to take this mess off your hands, but I'll need of all your... floppy disks, and 8-tracks...right?
Uh, everything about this case is contained on this drive.
(Hands Ford a flash drive labeled "PINES")
Well, what are you waiting for, a kiss on the cheek? Get out of here before I have your butts court-martialed!
Uhh, yes sir. Apologies, sir. (whistles) False alarm, everyone! (Trips on his way back to thecar)

The government agents all leave. Ford gives Gompers the flash drive, and the goat runs away with it in his mouth.
(Runs out with Dipper) Great uncle Stanford, that was amazing!
(Follows with Soos) Let's not go crazy; it was serviceable.
(Chuckles) Thank you, kids, but please, call me Ford.
Sure! Thanks, Great Uncle Ford. So, uh, (Holds up a pen and notepad and clicks pen excitedly) would you mind if I ask you a couple billion questions about Gravity Falls?
Um, well I-uh...
All right, kids, it's been a long day and me and my brother have a lot to talk about. Why don't you hit the hay, huh?
But, it's the author! (Clicks pen rapidly) I've been waiting so long to ask questions about-
(Grabs Dipper and Mabel's heads and pushes them away) I said. Hit. The hay!
I'll just... let myself out. (Sidesteps away, and when he's out of sight the beeping of a phone can be heard; Offscreen:) Wendy, I've got something amazing to tell you. Clear the next fourteen hours!

Cut to night. Stan and Ford are looking at themselves in the mirror.
Look at us. When did we become old men?
You look like Dad.
Ugh, uck, don't say that.
Ford and Stan
(Sighs) Okay, Stanley, here's the deal. You can stay here the rest of the summer to watch the kids. I'll stay down in the basement and try to contain any remaining damage. But when the summer's over, you give me my house back, you give me my name back, and this Mystery Shack junk is over forever. You got it?
You really aren't gonna thank me, are you? (Beat) Fine. On one condition: you stay away from the kids; I don't want them in danger. Cause as far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I have left. (Walks upstairs, stops, starts to look back, then keeps walking)

Cut to Dipper and Mabel in their room. Mabel is standing by the door.
Did you hear what they said? I think Grunkle Ford said they're gonna buy us puppies made of ice cream. Might be wishful thinking, though.
I don't know if this is good or bad. I wanted to meet the author, but...
(Sits on her bed) Yeah. I liked the way things were here before. Just us and Stan and the occasional goblin-monster.
Eh, I'm sure they'll work things out.
Dipper, you don't think we'll turn out like Stan and Ford, do you?
Well. What do you mean?
(Lays down) I mean, they used to be best friends, but then they got all stupid. Can you promise me you won't get stupid?
I'm not stupider than you, dum-dum.
(Laughs) Good night, stupid.
Good night, stupid. (Turns light off and closes eyes)
(Looks up nervously)
I'm about as edgy as a ball of raw cookie dough 
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